Notepad on Life

March 29, 2014

Remembering Dad. And his hay fever

Filed under: Family,Health,Nostalgia — - @ 10:17 am

It’s always nice to be reminded of your late father.

Not quite so nice when it’s courtesy of a plumber hawking phlegm like there’s no tomorrow.

Oh well, we must take our nostalgia where we find it.

March 28, 2014

Team Paltrow ends as it’s always gone on

Filed under: Cinema,Relationships — - @ 9:04 am
Tags: , ,
03092011-DSC_0697_Gwyneth Paltrow

(Photo credit: brixton21)

“Conscious uncoupling”?

Say this for Martin & Paltrow; they kept the pretentious guff going right to the very end. These two could keep Private Eye‘s ‘Pseuds’ Corner‘ going just on their own.

Their statement in full decoded as follows:

“We have been working hard for well over a year…to see what might have been possible between us” – “Put the axe down, Gwyn, and let’s talk…”

” in many ways we are closer than we have ever been” – “I’ve had his briefcase bugged.”

“We have always conducted our relationship privately” – “…hence this blog”

March 27, 2014

It’s a cliche because it’s true, y’all

Filed under: Family,foreign,Travel — - @ 8:42 am
Tags:
List of numbered highways in South Carolina

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two colleagues are chatting as I approach the coffee machine at work. Man 1 is relaying the itinerary of his approaching holiday to the USA.

MAN 1: “…and then we’re off to see some of her relatives in redneck country – South Carolina, where there will no doubt be many firearms on display…”

MAN 2: [Laughs, then suddenly stops] “You’re not joking, are you?”

MAN 1: “No: there’s a bunch of assault rifles they want me to see, apparently”

MAN 2: “Are you taking the kids?”

MAN 1: “Not to that, no.”

 

 

March 26, 2014

A better month than usual for politicians

Filed under: politics — - @ 9:00 am

Firstly, there is Brandon Lewis, spelling out a few home truths to local authorities whose knees are all a-tremble at having to handle perilous apostrophes on street signs and so they decide to dump them altogether. Anything for a quiet life, even if it means the land of Shakespeare and Wordsworth looking like Illiteracy Central.

Not good enough, says the MP for Yarmouth:

“One of the spurious reasons for abolishing apostrophes has been the suggestion they may cause confusion for emergency services’ IT systems.

“If mankind can put a man on the Moon, split the atom and decode the double helix then I’m sure it’s not beyond the reach of 21st-century technology to have a satnav which can understand an apostrophe.”

And then there is a member of the House of Lords – whose name escapes me – who guested on Radio 4 some days ago to comment on the latest ditherings over EU referendum by a politician trying to look like he’s actually doing something. It was Ed Miliband this time but to be fair to the Labour leader, it could just as easily have been his Tory or LibDem counterpart.

His Lordship’s denunciation of such meaningless manoeuvring , however, was so on point that the label he used deserves to become a standard.

’Vicki Pollard politics’, he called it: yes but…no but…yes but…

March 25, 2014

Wedding plans, rural-style…

Filed under: Family,Relationships,Women — - @ 9:00 am
Tags:

She was sat across the aisle, discussing her impending marriage, on a Norfolk-bound bus out of Peterborough. In the way of so many in this mobile phone age, she seemed of the opinion that it’s still your private life if the only people over-hearing all about it are complete strangers…

“I don’t want Carl there, Matt. I’ve explained it to Nan; I don’t mind his family being there but I really don’t want Carl.

“It’s not fair on Kim, it’s not fair on the kids and I don’t want to have to spend the whole day waiting for him to thump somebody…”

“Invite him,” I wanted to blurt out.

And then invite me. Sounds like it could be a blast.

March 24, 2014

Movie credits do credits to no-one

Filed under: animals,Cinema,Tobacco — - @ 9:00 am
Tags: ,
Sandra Bullock at the premiere for The Proposal

Sandra Bullock (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From the closing credits in the excellent film Gravity:

“No person or entity associated with this film received payment or anything in value, or entered into any agreement, in connection with the depiction of tobacco products”

Not sure I actually recall Sandra Bullock pausing to drag on a Camel while mulling over her options but then the fact this disclaimer isn’t even necessary here only highlights the fawning to the self-appointed guardians of civic propriety that is increasingly common in the scrolling small print at the end of Hollywood’s latest.

What’s the matter, anti-smoking zealots: peeved at the attention the animal-lovers were getting? Saw all those prissy “No animals were harmed in the making of this film” assurances and decided it was time you were getting some love?

Next time Seth MacFarlane and his fellow iconoclasts are looking for new sacred cows to slaughter (figure of speech, PETA) giving the self-righteous the finger with credits of a – shall we say – counter-revolutionary thrust would would not only go down well among many patrons, I suspect, but would also ensure that the unit accountant/floor sweeper/bricklayer’s name-check hits the screen while there are still people around to see it…

“So many animals were harmed in the making of this film, the abattoir cancelled staff leave for a month.”

“Unwanted pet? Auditions now open for our next production, When Puppies and Semtex Collide”

“100 per cent of all tobacco products used in this film were superfluous to plotline or character development. And when we say ‘tobacco’…”

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March 21, 2014

Things we need more of…

Filed under: foreign,History,Nostalgia — - @ 9:00 am

Gentlemen’s writing rooms. Keeping the spitoon but with a slightly better carpet [Click image for full-size version…]

SHORPY_4a20491a.preview

March 13, 2014

Child Bride

Filed under: Journalism,Kids,Women — - @ 9:00 am
Tags: ,

Glossy Women's Magazines Remind Us Some Girls And Women Are Living In Hell | Co.Create | creativity + culture + commerce

Glossy Women’s Magazines Remind Us Some Girls And Women Are Living In Hell

March 12, 2014

So much more satisfying than ‘Beware of the Dog’

Filed under: crime — - @ 9:00 am

March 11, 2014

Tattoo artist finds self in hole. Keeps digging.

Filed under: Appearance,foreign — - @ 9:00 am
Tags: ,
Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade

Audrey Hepburn: in the drab, untinted state that turned off an entire generation of men  (Photo: Wikipedia)

According to one commentator, Seattle-based artist Cheyenne Randall “has come up with an interesting way of making [tattoos] more popular – by Photoshopping them onto the skins of famous people throughout history.”

Including Audrey Hepburn.

Of course, there is an argument that such blasphem an exercise may have a rather different effect on the perception of body art from the one Mr Randall is hoping for.

But as that clearly hasn’t crossed his mind, we’ll leave him to enjoy his moment.

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