Notepad on Life

December 4, 2016

Dear Amazon – a way out of this crapstorm…

Filed under: business,Consumer — - @ 1:48 pm

20982664928_d04c87d2a7_mAs one of journalism’s  hardy annuals – working conditions at Amazon – makes its latest re-appearance, it would be easy to sit back and hurl mud at a nice big, juicy target.

No such knee-jerk opportunism here, though. In a bid to be fair to all sides, I simply suggest that adding the following delivery options to the Amazon order form would empower the customer, suggest a company that takes criticism on board and allow all of us to stay true to whatever level of compassion we possess. Sorted.


In light of media reports on Amazon’s expectations of its staff, please execute my order in accordance with the following instructions:  

blank-square More power to you. I’m only disappointed there was no mention of whips and electrodes to speed things along. I’d like my delivery yesterday, because as you suits are always saying, there’s no such word as “can’t”, right?

blank-square I’m not saying the super-fast service isn’t great but, well, I have a conscience, you know. This stuff doesn’t sit well with my Amnesty membership. Just get it to me within five working days and we can all stay friends.

blank-square On the-clock bowel movements? Seriously? I nearly choked on my spliff. This is way too heavy, man, so I’m reaching out to my brothers and sisters at the coal face. Fifteen days will be cool. Now please; y’all just breeeaathe and smell the freakin’ roses.

blank-square I am [delete as appropriate] (a) a trade union leader, (b) heavily into old-timey mail-order shopping, or (c) of the opinion that companies worth £200bn have some wiggle-room when it comes to chilling the hell out. I allow 28 days for delivery. 

[pic courtesy of Damian Gadal]


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